Dispatches from the Goblin City

  OK, so I've got some good news! Moments ago I formally accepted an offer of employment! Me! Someone decided to give me a job! In case you're not picking up on how happy I am, let the !!!! be your guide.  I might be able to share more once I actually begin working there and am more familiar with their policies. But for now, all I'm gonna say is I have a job. And in other good news, my partner was cleared to return to work on half time this month. He's pretty pleased with that development. And so am I.  So yeah, your girl is now gainfully employed. 

  Well, this is awkward. Which is on-brand for me, honestly. Let's see... the last time I updated this blog was back in June/Julyish. Yeah... but in my defense I have a legit reason for falling off the face of the planet. On August 13th, a Friday of all things, my partner was in a bad traffic accident. He was riding his motorcycle and had to be airlifted to the nearest trauma 1 hospital in the area. He then spent about 7 weeks in the hospital and we couldn't see each other because of covid restrictions. So, yeah, that kinda rocked my world. I completely forgot about this blog, if I'm honest. But he's been home now for a while. I'm so happy to have him home. Our lives have been chaotic with physical therapy appointments and minor surgeries.  He's mending well and making so much progress! And he should get to return to work sometime next month. So yeah, it was a busy summer and fall. Hug your loved ones tightly, because you really don't know when you'll be...

It finally feels like June, only problem is that June is almost over. This means I'm definitely not ready for July. I never know how to structure my blog posts. I feel like my words never have any flow to them, instead my ideas just jump around all over the place. I want to write everything down all at once, but I usually wind up confusing myself, which is frustrating. And I can't remember if my writing has always been like this, or if this is the result of abandoning writing years ago. Was I ever good at writing? If I ever was, I'm definitely not now. But that's why I'm blogging; I want to improve my craft. I need to make progress.  And now I have lost my train of thought... Welcome to my brain!! I think I shall research blog structures to get a better idea of what I want to to here. Because I would very much like this blog to make more sense in the future. I also need to figure out what I want to say. In the mean time, I think snacks are called for. I hope your Ju...

I've struggled for years with my mental health, in case you didn't pick up on that.  I've been in therapy since 2016, and I've been on some kind of an antidepressant since 2006.  I'm always searching for something, anything really, that works. In the 15 years or so that I've been working on improving/maintaining my mental health, I've realized that a combination of therapy and medications work best for me. My current treatment combo is: Lexapro and Pamelor daily, and sessions with my counselor every 2-3 weeks. And today I had an appointment with a psychiatrist and together we are working on a treatment plan. I brought up my suspicion that I have ADHD, but the psychiatrist thinks my inattention/focus problems stem from my depression and anxiety. So if we can improve said depression and anxiety, then my attention span and focus ability will also improve.  For the first time in a Very Long Time, I feel hopeful. I feel seen and heard. I feel validated.  Oh, and ...

Surprise! Now it's May, and I'm trying to get back into "the flow" that I had somehow managed to cultivate before my 6-week adventure to Oregon. But "the flow" isn't coming back to me as quickly as I want it to. I'm pretty sure this update is going to be about trying. And I hate how much people crap all over "trying." Because trying isn't as good as doing, I guess. But how do you get to "doing," if you don't also "try?" I never "do" anything without first "trying" it. And I don't understand how anyone else (for that matter) accomplishes anything without trying first. What am I missing? Maybe it's because "trying" doesn't always look like a task being accomplished, because it doesn't look like work. A lot of my "trying" happens in my mind, and I can see how, from the outside, it doesn't look like much of anything is happening. But trying leads directly to...

On Feb 19th I snuck back to Oregon to help out a dear friend with her family. She's got a lot on her plate and needed some help for a few weeks. So I'm back in the Willamette Valley for the first time since last July. I'm here to help out with childcare, because keeping children alive is important. And I'm here to help out with distance schooling. This feels like a good time to mention my rusty math skills...yeah, I avoid using my math muscle whenever possible and I'm feeling it nowadays. Anyway, I haven't been this tired in a long time. I miss Computer Princess! I miss our cats!      I'm back in the valley where I grew up and it's doing wonders for my homesickness, but now I'm missing my home in the Bay Area.  Argh, I just can't win!

I think I have solved my formatting problem! Yay!! And all it took was some light Googling. I may or may not be pretty proud of myself! I may even believe that I have a sense for I.T. stuff that I didn't believe until last year. I just never saw myself as an I.T. person because I thought they had to spend years at a university and have at least one college degree. But I was so wrong! I just need the certifications, which is where the real work is at. I'm not saying I was a stellar student back in the day, because that would be a lie. I was a horrible student, but at least back then I could concentrate on the subjects, even when I didn't like them. I no longer have that ability. And I miss it. I reached out to my doctor to discuss treatment options, but I really need an ADHD diagnosis in my medical record first. Great. Nothing like waiting 6-12 months for a problem I need solved yesterday.  How do you focus when your brain doesn't want to?  And frak, I was in the middle ...

 I moved down to San Jose, California in late 2019, leaving my beloved Oregon behind. It's now 2021 and I've been noticing some behaviors that I haven't really demonstrated since I was probably a teenager. I catch myself singing along to music, not full productions, just bits and pieces, here and there. I used to sing almost solely in my car, but apparently I am capable of singing in the shower. You know, like one of those "normal people." Whatever that means. I have also caught myself dancing a bit, more of a Silly Walk really since the Good Lord did not bless me with any kind of rhythm. This is not something I do around other humans; I think my Computer Princess has probably caught me mid-twirl on occasion, but he's pretty chill with most of my weirdness, so I don't know if those situations count. Keep in mind that dancing was never a fun activity for me as a young person. I hated it and ALWAYS felt so embarrassed because I had two left feet. Whenever I ...

  For real, this January just keeps going. I could comment on the attempted insurrection, but so many others have already done that, and at this point I'm not sure if my words would help, so I'll just mind my own business.  

  Goodbye, 2020! In terms of horribleness, you were amazing, 2020. I didn't know a single year could suck so much FOR THE ENTIRE PLANET! I'm no stranger to bad years. 2007ish until late 2013 were the hardest years of my life. My support system took a massive hit when my grandparents (both of my mom's parents) were each diagnosed with different types of dementia. And then my mom began having mild strokes and had to quit her job. It's really difficult for me to talk about this; I didn't realize then how much stress and emotional distress would be heaped on me. I didn't know it would break me, because I was Young (like 23 yrs or so) and oh so naïve to how the world worked.  Now I'm older, and hopefully, a little wiser. And I have more gray hair than any of my peers. Seriously, I get comments on it ALL THE TIME when I mention my age. "But you're so young to have all that gray!" they say. Or my personal favorite: "What happened to your hair?!...

  Better question: why not goblins?  I've been trying to explain the...er... architecture of my mind for years and coming up with nothing. Nada. Zilch. I wish I had a mind palace, or some orderly looking mansion to house all of my thoughts and beliefs.  I wish I could say my mind is like an elven city, a la Rivendell. But that's entirely too tranquil. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE tranquility, but that's not my brain's default setting. No, my mind is like the Goblin City from "Labyrinth." You know, the cult classic Bowie/muppet fantasy from the 80s. Remember the battle for the city near the end of the movie? Yeah, that's a pretty good representation of how my brain functions. Most of my thoughts are loud and hyper; like someone has been dosing my goblins with caffeine and meth. Imagine that Jim Henson added a rave to the Goblin City and that's kind of what my brain feels like to me. It can be exhausting, but these are the cards I have been dealt. I fi...

  Hi, hello, I'm Savanna and welcome to my little slice of the Internet. Here's the lowdown on me: I'm a thirtysomething cat mom dealing with mental health issues; a nerd of the highest order when it comes to most things in the sci-fi genre; a writer who struggles to write; a dedicated homebody whose lifestyle didn't really change because of #Quarantine2020. I currently reside in the Bay Area of California, but until 2019 I had lived my whole life in Oregon. I REALLY MISS OREGON! So yeah, I'm a Californian in the legal sense, but my heart will always be in the rainy, foggy, mushy Pacific Northwest. I'm engaged to the very best person in the world for me. Seriously, he continually surprises me with how well matched we are. Don't get me wrong, we're not perfect, but together we are perfectly imperfect. I totally ship us! Anyway, he values his privacy (especially online) and I respect him so I won't be referring to him by name. Instead, I asked him to c...

Last week was a rollercoaster of emotions. Just a recap: I rebooted this blog, then promptly fell into a Pit of Despair. You see, not all mood swings are the same and can be radically different for everyone. For instance, my fiancé noticed that some of his bad moods are brought on by what his mind is thinking about. So thoughts trigger moods. But for me, 8 out of 10 times, my mood will swing before my thoughts do. So moods trigger thoughts. It reminds me of a hostage situation, kind of.  I can be wonderfully fine, having a great mental health day, when out of nowhere my mood will darken and joy leaches away into the ether. Or I wake up feeling well, wanting to tackle some stuff, but the Ogre of Depression body slams my brain and I spend the rest of the day struggling to get out of bed. Thankfully, this mood swing didn't last for more than a couple of days. Sometimes, just sometimes, these moods can last weeks or months. Anywhoodles, my time on my Mood Swing Set completely derailed ...

I have rebooted this blog many times, but I lose steam after ONE post and disappear for 2 years or so. Rinse, repeat. But I'm sick of that habit. Truly. I want to be better. I deserve to be better. My creativity (which feels like it is on life support) deserves better. So this is me, trying to become a better writer. And a better human being in general. I'm not a disciplined writer anymore, not that I was ever really disciplined. I just had a better habit of writing in the evenings when I was still in college. Once I dropped out I let that good habit fall to the wayside. I let depression rob me of my passion for the written word. I fell out of love with writing. I let depression tell me I was just a talentless hack who would never amount to anything in this life. I believed  the lie. I became the lie. I stopped writing in mid 2016; I stopped fighting to find a reason to write. I silenced my own voice. And all the while my depression raged on, growing louder than ever and I had ...

It's been two years since I regularishly updated this blog. Two whole years. Two years to finally decide what I'm going to do with this blog. You may not have noticed, but I haven't really had any direction here; no clue what I'm supposed to do. But now I have a plan, a direction, a purpose. I'm so excited about said purpose that I don't really feel like regaling you with what has been happening with me for the last two years. Just know that Stuff Happened and I came out the other end still alive. The dark details I'll give you are: my grandfather passed away in 2016, and my father died earlier this year. And the bright spots: my great-nephew was born in 2015, and my great-niece was born back in January of this year. Mental health has been a recurring theme in my life. Depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies run deep in my family. I have spent the majority of my life trying to make sense of it all because I've been depressed since I was twelve. ...

You may not know this, but I volunteer at my semi-local food pantry every week and I've been doing this for around a year now. I volunteer my time because I receive a food box every month and I firmly believe in paying it forward. I don't have money to donate to food pantries or excess food, what I have is time and that is just as important. Anyway, I started volunteering last summer and I didn't really think it would lead me on a journey of self discovery, but that is exactly where I am. Last October I was asked to participate in a Voices Focus Group where I was asked to speak about my experiences with my food pantry and my history with pantries and what concerns I had about the future and the like. I showed up and impressed the team with eloquence and wit and passion for pantries. Yeah, I didn't know I had a passion for food pantries until people from the Oregon Food Bank told me that we are in danger of budget cuts and donation cuts. Needless to say that lit ...

In a few hours I will officially be 30 years of age. Yikes. 30 sounds like such a significant number to me. And as you can probably guess, I'm not handling it very well. Don't get me wrong, I'm not having a meltdown or feeling the need to feel younger by surrounding myself with teenagers. I just don't know how to feel, really, about being 30. I've always looked at thirty-somethings as true adults; they're married, have kids, multiple cars, a mortgage and have traveled around. I know these are broad generalizations, but you have to understand that I have exactly none of those things. My life went down a decidedly different path from those generalizations I mentioned. Instead of settling down to start my own family I stayed at home and took care of my grandparents and my mother because they all started loosing their minds around the same time. It is very hard to maintain your own sanity when you are the only sane person in the house. And that wasn't just m...

As I said in one of my earlier blogs, I'm easily distracted by just about everything. And lately I've become obsessed with WWII documentaries. Seriously, I must have spent a good 6 hours in one day just watching doc after doc, desperately searching for my grandfather's tank. You see, I grew up on fairy tales and WWII stories (the former told to me by my mom and the latter from my grandpa) and I have been missing my grandfather quite fiercely. Don't worry, he's not dead. But he is lost to the deep throes of dementia and doesn't know who I am to him anymore, which has broken my heart in a way that I didn't know it could break. [Not going to cry!] He was a Sherman tank driver in the 740th "Daredevil" Tank Battalion under Gen. Patton.  And his tank was the first over the Rhine and his battalion captured the SS 1st Panzer division (or whatever they were called.) He stormed Utah beach on D-Day and paratrooped with the 82nd Airborne. But m...

The thing about Life is that it can be very distracting.  Or perhaps I'm just easy to distract.  Or both.  Yeah, I'm thinking both.  Trust me, I've been stuck with myself for ages, so I know. Right now I'm distracted by two small blond boys who are charming, cute and fabulous.  I'm a biased Godmother, it's true, but I'm not going to apologize.  They're very sweet and Henry was dancing to music by Poets of the Fall (I introduced the Denny House to that Finnish band today!) just now which makes me proud. :-P Over the past few days I've been working on blog updates in my head (that's as far as they got), but this actual update isn't flowing as well as I thought it would. But I can't really go into detail about what I'm working on because it is a SECRET. Now I have your attention, right? Haha! No, seriously, I'm not telling you. Nope, stop asking. And no pouting; it's very unbecoming! I know this isn't much of anything...

Yep, you read that correctly: we are done with pears for the year.  Huzzah and all that jazz.  And now we return to our regularly scheduled blog.... ha ha ha ha.  Nothing about this blog is scheduled! I'm trying to change that, really, I am.  But change comes slowly, unless someone is threatening to toss you off of a cliff, then change comes pretty damn fast.  And no, I'm not looking for volunteers to chuck me over a cliff! My mother has been in a wickedly bad mood for the past few days.  Oh fun.  She inherited that hot Irish temper from her father and I also have it.  Saturday she was itching for a fight and I ignored her...for awhile, then I obliged her with an argument.  I'm quite proud of my self-control.  I didn't lose it! My mother is a very turbulent creature, more so than me maybe, and for every angry day she has a morose day.  Boug and I couldn't say anything to her (we have to yell because her hearing aid isn't worki...