Dispatches from the Goblin City

I've struggled for years with my mental health, in case you didn't pick up on that.  I've been in therapy since 2016, and I've been on some kind of an antidepressant since 2006.  I'm always searching for something, anything really, that works. In the 15 years or so that I've been working on improving/maintaining my mental health, I've realized that a combination of therapy and medications work best for me. My current treatment combo is: Lexapro and Pamelor daily, and sessions with my counselor every 2-3 weeks. And today I had an appointment with a psychiatrist and together we are working on a treatment plan. I brought up my suspicion that I have ADHD, but the psychiatrist thinks my inattention/focus problems stem from my depression and anxiety. So if we can improve said depression and anxiety, then my attention span and focus ability will also improve.  For the first time in a Very Long Time, I feel hopeful. I feel seen and heard. I feel validated.  Oh, and

Surprise! Now it's May, and I'm trying to get back into "the flow" that I had somehow managed to cultivate before my 6-week adventure to Oregon. But "the flow" isn't coming back to me as quickly as I want it to. I'm pretty sure this update is going to be about trying. And I hate how much people crap all over "trying." Because trying isn't as good as doing, I guess. But how do you get to "doing," if you don't also "try?" I never "do" anything without first "trying" it. And I don't understand how anyone else (for that matter) accomplishes anything without trying first. What am I missing? Maybe it's because "trying" doesn't always look like a task being accomplished, because it doesn't look like work. A lot of my "trying" happens in my mind, and I can see how, from the outside, it doesn't look like much of anything is happening. But trying leads directly to