Oh, hello April, I didn't see you there.

Surprise! Now it's May, and I'm trying to get back into "the flow" that I had somehow managed to cultivate before my 6-week adventure to Oregon. But "the flow" isn't coming back to me as quickly as I want it to.

I'm pretty sure this update is going to be about trying. And I hate how much people crap all over "trying." Because trying isn't as good as doing, I guess. But how do you get to "doing," if you don't also "try?" I never "do" anything without first "trying" it. And I don't understand how anyone else (for that matter) accomplishes anything without trying first. What am I missing?

Maybe it's because "trying" doesn't always look like a task being accomplished, because it doesn't look like work. A lot of my "trying" happens in my mind, and I can see how, from the outside, it doesn't look like much of anything is happening. But trying leads directly to doing, in my book.

I try to do the things. What's so wrong with that? So it takes me longer to do, why does that matter? Yes, I stumble and probably have to restart the task several times before I manage to complete it. What does it matter, as long as I eventually finish it?

I'm trying to find the right amount of pressure to keep on myself so I can do all of the things. But I haven't found it yet. I'm trying to study IT Fundamentals, but the very last thing my brain wants to do is study. I'm constantly looking for ways to help improve my ability to focus, but not everything works.

I'm taking supplements that reportedly improve focus and attention span while I wait for my ADHD assessment, which I could be waiting on for the rest of the year. But it's still too early to tell if the supplements are doing anything really. And I don't think I'm patient enough for this. I want to get my certifications now. I want my brain to work for me when I tell it to.

I'm trying to be patient and gentle with myself, but it's difficult. I feel like I don't deserve either. Which brings on a downward spiral, or depressive episode, with my mental health, thus proving that I need to be patient and gentle with myself.

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