Dispatches from the Goblin City

  Well, this is awkward. Which is on-brand for me, honestly. Let's see... the last time I updated this blog was back in June/Julyish. Yeah... but in my defense I have a legit reason for falling off the face of the planet. On August 13th, a Friday of all things, my partner was in a bad traffic accident. He was riding his motorcycle and had to be airlifted to the nearest trauma 1 hospital in the area. He then spent about 7 weeks in the hospital and we couldn't see each other because of covid restrictions. So, yeah, that kinda rocked my world. I completely forgot about this blog, if I'm honest. But he's been home now for a while. I'm so happy to have him home. Our lives have been chaotic with physical therapy appointments and minor surgeries.  He's mending well and making so much progress! And he should get to return to work sometime next month. So yeah, it was a busy summer and fall. Hug your loved ones tightly, because you really don't know when you'll be

It finally feels like June, only problem is that June is almost over. This means I'm definitely not ready for July. I never know how to structure my blog posts. I feel like my words never have any flow to them, instead my ideas just jump around all over the place. I want to write everything down all at once, but I usually wind up confusing myself, which is frustrating. And I can't remember if my writing has always been like this, or if this is the result of abandoning writing years ago. Was I ever good at writing? If I ever was, I'm definitely not now. But that's why I'm blogging; I want to improve my craft. I need to make progress.  And now I have lost my train of thought... Welcome to my brain!! I think I shall research blog structures to get a better idea of what I want to to here. Because I would very much like this blog to make more sense in the future. I also need to figure out what I want to say. In the mean time, I think snacks are called for. I hope your Ju

I've struggled for years with my mental health, in case you didn't pick up on that.  I've been in therapy since 2016, and I've been on some kind of an antidepressant since 2006.  I'm always searching for something, anything really, that works. In the 15 years or so that I've been working on improving/maintaining my mental health, I've realized that a combination of therapy and medications work best for me. My current treatment combo is: Lexapro and Pamelor daily, and sessions with my counselor every 2-3 weeks. And today I had an appointment with a psychiatrist and together we are working on a treatment plan. I brought up my suspicion that I have ADHD, but the psychiatrist thinks my inattention/focus problems stem from my depression and anxiety. So if we can improve said depression and anxiety, then my attention span and focus ability will also improve.  For the first time in a Very Long Time, I feel hopeful. I feel seen and heard. I feel validated.  Oh, and

Surprise! Now it's May, and I'm trying to get back into "the flow" that I had somehow managed to cultivate before my 6-week adventure to Oregon. But "the flow" isn't coming back to me as quickly as I want it to. I'm pretty sure this update is going to be about trying. And I hate how much people crap all over "trying." Because trying isn't as good as doing, I guess. But how do you get to "doing," if you don't also "try?" I never "do" anything without first "trying" it. And I don't understand how anyone else (for that matter) accomplishes anything without trying first. What am I missing? Maybe it's because "trying" doesn't always look like a task being accomplished, because it doesn't look like work. A lot of my "trying" happens in my mind, and I can see how, from the outside, it doesn't look like much of anything is happening. But trying leads directly to

On Feb 19th I snuck back to Oregon to help out a dear friend with her family. She's got a lot on her plate and needed some help for a few weeks. So I'm back in the Willamette Valley for the first time since last July. I'm here to help out with childcare, because keeping children alive is important. And I'm here to help out with distance schooling. This feels like a good time to mention my rusty math skills...yeah, I avoid using my math muscle whenever possible and I'm feeling it nowadays. Anyway, I haven't been this tired in a long time. I miss Computer Princess! I miss our cats!      I'm back in the valley where I grew up and it's doing wonders for my homesickness, but now I'm missing my home in the Bay Area.  Argh, I just can't win!

I think I have solved my formatting problem! Yay!! And all it took was some light Googling. I may or may not be pretty proud of myself! I may even believe that I have a sense for I.T. stuff that I didn't believe until last year. I just never saw myself as an I.T. person because I thought they had to spend years at a university and have at least one college degree. But I was so wrong! I just need the certifications, which is where the real work is at. I'm not saying I was a stellar student back in the day, because that would be a lie. I was a horrible student, but at least back then I could concentrate on the subjects, even when I didn't like them. I no longer have that ability. And I miss it. I reached out to my doctor to discuss treatment options, but I really need an ADHD diagnosis in my medical record first. Great. Nothing like waiting 6-12 months for a problem I need solved yesterday.  How do you focus when your brain doesn't want to?  And frak, I was in the middle

 I moved down to San Jose, California in late 2019, leaving my beloved Oregon behind. It's now 2021 and I've been noticing some behaviors that I haven't really demonstrated since I was probably a teenager. I catch myself singing along to music, not full productions, just bits and pieces, here and there. I used to sing almost solely in my car, but apparently I am capable of singing in the shower. You know, like one of those "normal people." Whatever that means. I have also caught myself dancing a bit, more of a Silly Walk really since the Good Lord did not bless me with any kind of rhythm. This is not something I do around other humans; I think my Computer Princess has probably caught me mid-twirl on occasion, but he's pretty chill with most of my weirdness, so I don't know if those situations count. Keep in mind that dancing was never a fun activity for me as a young person. I hated it and ALWAYS felt so embarrassed because I had two left feet. Whenever I

  For real, this January just keeps going. I could comment on the attempted insurrection, but so many others have already done that, and at this point I'm not sure if my words would help, so I'll just mind my own business.  

  Goodbye, 2020! In terms of horribleness, you were amazing, 2020. I didn't know a single year could suck so much FOR THE ENTIRE PLANET! I'm no stranger to bad years. 2007ish until late 2013 were the hardest years of my life. My support system took a massive hit when my grandparents (both of my mom's parents) were each diagnosed with different types of dementia. And then my mom began having mild strokes and had to quit her job. It's really difficult for me to talk about this; I didn't realize then how much stress and emotional distress would be heaped on me. I didn't know it would break me, because I was Young (like 23 yrs or so) and oh so naïve to how the world worked.  Now I'm older, and hopefully, a little wiser. And I have more gray hair than any of my peers. Seriously, I get comments on it ALL THE TIME when I mention my age. "But you're so young to have all that gray!" they say. Or my personal favorite: "What happened to your hair?!&q